Healing Takes Time

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I know it has been a while since I last posted. Being back in school full time and dealing with some health set-backs has sucked a lot of my energy. I've been exhausted lately. Going to a full day of school and then having to study and do homework and apply to colleges on top of that is mentally draining. And then I try to do fun things that truly make my days feel better, but by night time I'm exhausted. And that's okay. I'd say I'm handling it all pretty well, considering that this is the first time in like 2 years that I have attended school full time.

My weight has consistently been declining, and it's been really hard for me. If it gets below a certain point, then I have to go back to tube feeds, and I just really want to move in the direction of getting my tube OUT not going backwards. I've been working so hard to get as many calories as I can - it's like a full time job. I have to plan my day around when I can eat, and it's exhausting. Even during the school day, I have to get up extra early to eat to give my body time to digest. I have to come home during my fourth period and lunch just so that I can get another meal in. I have about three doctor's appointments a week, trying to get my health back. When I miss school, it's extremely difficult to find the extra time to make up the work. When a teacher says "just come in during lunch" I don't have that option, because getting calories right now is vital. I'm trying so hard to get calories, but my body can only handle so much. I can't do large amounts and I have to wait 4 hours in between meals or else I get sick. It also takes me over an hour to eat a cup and a half of food; if I don't eat slowly then I don't have success. It's hard sometimes to figure out how to eat something gluten and dairy free that is low in fat, easy to digest, and is full of calories. BUT, I've been working around these restrictions and have been trying my best. No one can tell me that I'm not trying, because I truly am. I want to get my tube out more than anyone. I want to move on with my life, but sadly things just aren't back to normal yet.

I go and see my nutritionist every week, for weight check ups and weekly plans of how to increase cals. Every week I step on the scale, and every week I am disappointed by what I see on it. It's sort of crazy how a single number can be so defeating. I mean, I'm sure anyone can relate. Most people dread getting weighed - because that little number can really shift their mindset. For most people, seeing that you've lost weight is good news, an accomplishment. For me, seeing that number decrease is so defeating. It means that I'm not getting enough cals to maintain my weight. That number isn't reflecting all of the HARD work that I have been doing.  It simply says that my body needs more; that what I am doing isn't good enough. I know it's not my fault though. My body is still healing from two major surgeries and a condition that took far too long to diagnose. It makes sense that my digestive system isn't back to 100% quite yet. But part of me has this expectation that it should be normal by now. And seeing the number drop makes me sad, because I want so badly to be back to normal, but I'm just not there yet.

So in these next few weeks, some positive thoughts would be appreciated. Sometimes it's really easy to forget to be grateful for how far I have come. This time last year I could only drink chicken broth, and so many of you were bringing me homemade soups (thank you so much for that, BTW).

I know that there are probably some of you that are dealing with your own challenges right now, and I just wanted to say that sometimes you need to remember to be your own friend. Healing takes time and patience. In my hardest moments or periods of set-backs, I try really hard to focus on the progress I've made. It's okay to have really crappy days, but know that they are only temporary. And it is always okay to ask for some positive encouragement.  

I suffered from Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome and the effects of it.
If you want to read more about my story click here: https://livinlikelewlew.blogspot.com/2019/01/my-story_24.html
If you want to read more about SMAS click here: https://livinlikelewlew.blogspot.com/2019/08/what-is-smas_4.html

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