Recovery Sucks

Recovery sucks. It's painfully slow and feels like it's never going to end. But it will.

It seems like every time I make progress, there seems to be some new problem that pops up. Like even yesterday: I got my epidural out (which has been numbing my pain since surgery) and I've been handing it pretty well! I'm definitely sore and I feel dull pains all through my insides but I've been able to fight through that. I can handle a little pain here and there. But then when i thought THAT was the worst of it, I began violently throwing up bile - for what seemed like hours. Thankfully, I have a GJ tube that allows me to drain my stomach so I don't have to throw it all up, but it isn't fun. This morning alone I've drained 1500 mLs (1.5 Liters) of bile. That's a whole lot of bile - & it isn't even supposed to be going into my stomach!!!

And then my IVs. Oh boy. Those things suck. And for whatever reason my body just can't seem to keep them. You should see my arms right now - bruises and pricks like you wouldn't even believe. I'm usually a hard stick, so it usually takes nurses 3 or 4 tries to get my IV in. Today my IV blew and I had 3 nurses (one being from the pediatric ICU) come in and try to stick me and had absolutely no success. They tried a total of 6 pricks, and still couldn't do it. It's not their fault though, I'm so dehydrated and my veins are as flat as a pancake (gosh even saying that word makes me so hungry). Anyways, here I am now, trying to get pedialyte through my GJ tube, praying that I can get enough hydration for my veins to pop up a little so I can get an IV. Because without an IV means dehydration, which can lead to a whole other array of issues.

Things are rough right now for me. Between draining bile, throwing up, & dehydration, it's been hard. I stepped on the scale today and I am at an all time low. My weight has dropped ten pounds since last week and I am scared. I look as drained and exhausted as I feel. So many of you are so scared about coronavirus & about what it's gong to prevent; spring break, future trips, graduation, prom, etc. And while I am also nervous about corona, right now I'm more afraid of what's going to happen to me. I am withering away and I am scared. I just want to get better so badly. I miss home so much. I miss my dogs, my friends, my family, ... I wish I could just fast forward through all this recovery. Skip to being healthy and strong again. To being able to eat again and not needing to rely on all these tubes.

Right now, I'm really trying to keep things in perspective. While things are rough and scary right now, I know that it could be worse. I mean even in this hospital alone I know that there are so many people hanging on for dear life.

I guess we're all scared in one way or another right now. But living life in fear never gets you anywhere. You just sort of have to push forward and hope that it is going to be alright.

I know that I am going to get better. Recovery just sucks and is frustrating in every way. But at the end of the day, I am still breathing, talking, and smiling and that's something to be grateful for.